The Zombie Guide to Human Resources
Posted by James Archer on March 19, 2009
If you’ve attended any sort of business workshops, read any business blogs, or asked the advice of anyone who knows what they’re talking about, you’ve probably heard the phrase “hire slow, fire fast” before.
For less-experienced business owners, however, it can be difficult to visualize what that actually means. I know it was for me when Forty first started staffing up.
So, I came up with a way to visualize the situation, which I thought of as “The Zombie Guide to Human Resources.” Over the years, it’s helped me to understand how to hire and fire employees, and I’m sharing it here in case it can help you as well.
The basic premise is this: your company is a small group of humans, holed up in a small apartment in an abandoned building, in a city completely destroyed by (and filled with) zombies.
You are the leader of the group. Your primary responsibility is, above all else, to keep the remaining un-zombified humans alive and safe. Nothing else really matters.
Hire Slowly
One day, you hear a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” you ask.
“It’s okay,” a voice responds from the other side of the door. “I’m not a zombie. I’m one of you. Let me in!”
Do you trust them? Do you unbolt the six locks on the door and allow them to enter the one pocket of humanity left in this forsaken city?
Well, not without some proof you don’t!
You ask questions. You perform tests. You make them jump through hoops. You throw everything you’ve got at them, for as long as you can, until you’re sure you can let them in without compromising the safety of the people for whom you’re already responsible. Only then do you open the door and welcome them in with the rest of the group.
Fire Quickly
On the flip side, when someone already in your safe little room starts to turn (yucky skin, lurching, too much discussion of “braaaainnnsss..”), then you don’t have the luxury of waiting around to ask questions or hope the problem goes away. Every second you wait increases the risk that they’ll take someone (or everyone) down with them.
As the leader of this small group of survivors, you have to be merciless. It doesn’t matter who it is, or how close you were to them.
There’s only one course of action: you pop ‘em.
It’s ugly, but you have to do it. You’ve got to suck it up and do what you need to do to make sure that one bad person doesn’t jeopardize everyone else’s safety.
Sure, it’s uncomfortable, messy, and emotionally difficult. Survival often is—but it sure beats the alternative of having some zombie suck your brains out.
Insist on Zombie-Style Human Resources
The consequences of hiring the wrong person, or failing to fire that person, can be catastrophic for a small business. If you’re a 10-person firm, and one of those people is a brainivore, that means a full tenth of your company is working against you. Those are pretty big odds to overcome.
As the leader of a business, it’s your responsibility to protect your core team at all costs. Be cautious when bringing new individuals into that team, and don’t hesitate to get rid of individuals who are bringing everyone else down. Every moment counts, and failure to take action could mean the end of your company.
On the other hand, bringing that right person into the team, or purging the team of the one person destroying productivity, can have a profound effect on your company’s efficiency, revenue capacity, and bottom line.
Comments
Posted by Sunny Thaper on March 19, 2009
Though funny it its written form, I believe that this blog post can be best expressed via a video format. James, I will get the equipment if you can take care of the makeup. Let’s make ourselves a hiring guide!
Posted by Kim Stearns on March 19, 2009
Can Amy and I be zombies?!
Posted by Sunny Thaper on March 19, 2009
Depends… can you be decrepit and unattractive?
Posted by James Archer on March 19, 2009
Crap. Looks like I’m going to be the zombie then.
Posted by Sunny Thaper on March 19, 2009
You know, I just realized…. you never get to see any Sikh zombies in the movies. I mean do they lose their religious convictions as well in the zombification process? Think of the other zombie races not represented in the movies…. Amish zombies, Hasidic Jewish zombies, Rastafarian zombies, and Hare Krishna zombies…. I’m honestly a little offended at Hollywood right now.
Posted by ron goebel on March 19, 2009
sunny, did you know that hari krishna zombie is a frequent search term? go to google and start typing it and you’ll see what i mean. or just check out this link:
http://www.myspace.com/hkzombie
rastafarian zombies are also not really uncommon:
http://www.hollywoodtoysandcostumes.com/Adult-Zombie-Rasta-Dreaded-One-Mask_15TA385.html
beware talk of jewish zombies… you might anger some christians.
when it comes down to it, the zombie demographic really depends on the previously living demographic of an area.
Posted by [Charlene] on March 19, 2009
I love the metaphor. My small business only takes on contractors, but I use the same principles in dealing with them. I never thought of the zombie metaphor. But now that you mention it, the ones I’ve let go have had an undead vibe about them!
And to Sunny, hello, of course everyone looses their religious convictions in the zombification process. Even vegetarians start eating brains. They’re un-dead now. The convictions would have stayed in place if they had gone from alive to dead and hence to the promised afterlife. But that train wreck stop at un-dead, all convictions are off, as are travel plans to the afterlife.
Posted by Steve on March 19, 2009
Yeah zombie movies usually showcase a lot of undead diversity. Perhaps Sikhs have been a bit more resourceful and have survived the zombie apocalypse? :)
Posted by Sunny Thaper on March 19, 2009
@ron But none of those links point to anything showcasing them in a movie, which was my original point. And yes, it depends on demographics of the area but come on…. there have been plenty of European zombie movies that don’t showcase the true diversity that exists over there.
@charlene Ok, I’ll agree that you lose your convictions… but you don’t lose your clothing. If you were a Hare Krishna, you’d still be in the orange garb you were wearing before the zombification process.
@steve Good point…. very very good point.
Posted by Kim Stearns on March 19, 2009
I’m lost. And bored. And turning….INTO A ZOMBIEEEE!
Posted by Sunny Thaper on March 19, 2009
JAMES!!!! QUICK!!!!! You know what you must do about Kim now!!!!
Posted by Kim Stearns on March 19, 2009
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn’t think that comment through. JUST KIDDING!
Posted by James Archer on March 19, 2009
Stupid double-barrel shotgun takes forever to load…
Posted by David Cosand on March 19, 2009
I guess in this metaphor all of our clients are zombies too…?
Posted by Rob on March 19, 2009
When I’ve used the term ‘zombie action plan’ in the past, it never occurred to me that HR might enter into the equation. James is right on the money though. As much as I dislike having to let people go, it has to be done. I usually relate things to food. You wouldn’t eat a meal that was partially poisoned and expect to end up healthy. Just like you wouldn’t keep unproductive employees around and expect to achieve greatness.
I would like to hear thoughts on how you pick the right employee. It’s easy to identify the undead. How do you pick the good ones out though? I find that skill sets are important, but when you have a small group, personality can be huge.
Posted by James Archer on March 19, 2009
David: Actually, I hadn’t thought of that, but I think clients totally wind up in the potential zombie category. We choose our clients pretty carefully as well, and we’re quick to get out of situations where there’s a bad fit between us and the client.
Rob: We have a *long* courtship with our employees before we hire them. We get to know them, we follow them online (in non-creepy ways, anyway), we do some light contract work with them, etc., before things start to get serious. It usually takes us months to hire someone.
Posted by Rob on March 19, 2009
I think the trick for me is to find a way to have that long courtship in a more ‘traditional’ work setting like we have.
In the meantime, I feel inspired to purchase Left 4 Dead.
Posted by James Archer on March 19, 2009
Yeah, our working environment is more friendly to those long courtship processes, because there are plenty of reasons for people to be here even when they’re not working for us.
Before Gangplank existed, though, I think we leaned a lot on local industry events (monthly meetups, etc.) as opportunities to get to know people. We’d see them and talk to them a couple times a month, and get a pretty good feel for them first.
I can see how it would be tricky for a lot of industries, though.
Posted by [Charlene] on March 20, 2009
I have a variety of test and shake-down cruise activities I perform with potential contractors. They vary based on the client, the client’s project, and the importance of the project. A core, long-term project for a primary client means the potential contractor goes through more.
All of that said, I still toss out a small assignment to a contractor to see how they handle instructions, deadlines, etc. before I give them big work. I don’t tell them it’s an audition piece, but it is an audition in that sense. I pay them (provided they deliver it, of course).
Gangplank is such a great environment for really getting to know people, their work ethic, and their productivity. I only wish there was a way my company could participate more in Gangplank. That’s on my list of goals for 2009, to figure out how to collaborate more with them.
Those guys and gals rock it.
Posted by ron goebel on March 20, 2009
p.s.
the hare krishna zombie was actually in the original dawn of the dead.
http://www.darkfigures.com/cucldaofdeha.html
BOOM.
Posted by Ted Cook on January 13, 2010
Excellent article, James. The analogy works, and does make those firing decisions a bit easier to execute.
With regard to Rob’s question about how to pick the good ones out, I highly recommend a book by local author Dale Dauten, “(GREAT) EMPLOYEES ONLY: How Gifted Bosses Hire and De-Hire Their Way to Success”, http://www.dauten.com. It’s a little more sophisticated take on the “hire slow, fire fast” mantra. His philosophy on hiring fits perfectly with mine, and I often loan my copy to my clients who are implementing the PDP behavioral assessment system as part of their hiring practices.
Rob mentioned the importance of personality vs. skills, and he is right on. Skills are teachable and trainable, behavior/personality is fixed. If your new hire is not a behavioral fit for the position, you will have problems.
-Ted